I’m 97 days down. 3 months and a week and I’ve just completely lost all motivation at this point. I havent felt comfortable in my own skin and I’m not sure when I’ll get back to being myself. I knew with this life it wasnt going to be easy. Sleepless nights, nightmares, tossing and turning are part of my daily schedule now. Everday waking up for work, I realize its another day down and one more day closer to him being home. Although, I forgot what its like coming home to someone else or even having a four course meal with all your favorites.
97 days, and I’ve already managed to get into a car accident. A small fender bender, but enough to make me a nervous wreck for about a week. My entire bumper was replaced and I was (cautiously) driving my husbands truck for 3 weeks. I burnt dinner multiple times and gone without it alot of times. My appetite has completely decreased and already lost 15 pounds without even trying.
Hes been training for the last few weeks, so I’ve gotten used to drop calls and a few texts a day. Normal though, right? This life is all about the “hello?” “can you hear me?” phone calls. You barely get to speak to them when its really important and when there is nothing to really talk about, the service couldnt be more perfect! Deployments are complicated. One day, everything is peachy and the next, you just never know.
We’ve been through our rough patches and even to places where I didnt think it was going to turn out so good. Deployments will make you and break you in ways you never thought possible. I’ve questioned whether or not this was something I wanted to keep doing, and he felt the same. You really see where your marriage lies, and even how well you communicate. I realize in this life, communication is key!
Even though conversations are minimum, I fight hard for them. Even if its just one text or one 5 minute phone call. Within the last few weeks, I’ve gotten 5 phone calls within the last month and I was happy even if its not the occassional calls I get every day. I’ve never been more proud of the man I’ve married and who he has become. We’ve hit a bump in the road within the last month and I wasnt sure if this something we would’ve gotten out of. I questioned my marriage and who I was in the process. I had lost who I was in the last few months and I was ready to get back to myself again.
I was not comfortable in my own skin for a while. I was barely getting out of bed and not wanting to go to work. I didnt want to do anything, and I just wanted out of this black hole that I had lodged myself in. I had a daily routine of getting up, taking the dog out, feeding her and then sitting in the recliner for 30 minutes before I went to work every morning. I was off work at 5:00 and laid in the bed until 9:00 and went to sleep.
I realized that was it. A routine. I had finally gotten this routine down and every day waking up, is one day closer to him. I’ve made it 97 days, I can go 97 more. Its not going to be easy. Its going to be an emotional, terrifying, happy, exciting few months left, but I’m ready. I thought I couldnt do this, I wasnt sure if I could keep pushing but he makes me know that I can. Thank you for sticking by my side in the darkest hours.