Waking up this morning, everything was all so different. I was going to bed every night wondering how I was going to get through to the next day. I was barely putting one foot in front of the other, and I was sure I was not going to get through this without him. I convinced myself I just couldn’t keep doing this anymore. I’m done.
I wasnt sure how this life was going to keep me sane one way or the other. Every night, I was consuming more grease with eating out, than even thinking about my own health. I’m drinking countless amounts of caffeine and not hardly a drop of water, let alone anything healthy in my meals. I didn’t really care anymore. I was sleeping more and more when I wasnt working, and being the antisocial person I’d ever known. Who was this person?
I woke up Friday morning, and realized I cannot keep living this life anymore.
I miss everything about him. His smell. His smile. His hugs. His contagious laugh. Thursday night, I cried until I couldnt anymore. I felt more sadness than I did the day he left. I went to bed wondering if I could even face the next day especially being around other people. I just cant keep doing this anymore. Is it worth feeling this way?
Friday morning, I woke up and felt like an entirely different person. I was okay. I spent an entire night crying, and I wake up perfectly fine. The emotions of a deployment are so ununpredictable. You wake up one morning feeling great, and the next morning as if your entire world has completely crashed. The numbness will always be there especially when half of you is half away across the world.
Why do I do this? I do this because it’s all worth the risk. Its worth the first kiss after 9 months apart. Its worth the hug that you’ll embrace after you’ve hugged a pillow in your bed as if hes been there with you the whole time. You’ll finally get that in person conversation that youve been longing for since Facetime is all you’ve known. You’ll get those butterflies like you did when you went on your first date, even though you’ve been together for 10 years.
Leaving would be the easy way out right? You might think so. So did I especially when I thought I couldnt do this without him. I wanted to get out, and never look back. I realized that my husband was one of the ONLY things that was keeping me going through it all. I just wanted all these emotions to go away, and the numbness to fade.
Going to sleep every night, I know that I have an amazing marriage that is still in tact. I have a husband that is thousands of miles away that I grieve all the time he is gone. I cant keep feeling the numbness and the guilt that I feel everyday. I know that if I keep living this way, I will never convince myself that I can do this. I’ve done this once before, I can do this again. I will never not miss my husband, and I will have my good days and bad. I have finally gotten passed my grieving phase and I will keep going no matter how much it kills me to not have him by my side.