Day 1. I woke up this morning and knew this day would come eventually. I was fine. No tears, no sadness, I felt normal as any other day. Should I feel this way? Was it wrong to feel this way? This didn’t happen the first deployment.
We got up and watched our usual TV show “Ridiculousness” before the craziness began. I looked at him several times, and only thought to myself, “what are these next several months going to bring?” I’m terrified. Horrified is more appropriate, actually. I looked in the corner, it finally hit me. 3 bags were packed, and he was ready to go.
My heart sank and it finally felt real. My sadness had finally overcome my entire body and I felt so lost in the moment. What am I going to do for the next several months? It’s only day 1, and I’m so ready for it to be over.
Deployment is my husbands mistress for the several months, and she’s getting all the attention.
I was getting dressed but it was still a normal day. I was fine again, and thinking to myself, “I can do this!” I knew that there wouldn’t be hesitation when I left him. No tears, no sadness. I’m going to be fine.
I began brushing my teeth and then I realized, my toothbrush was the only one there. Everyday I wake up, 2 toothbrushes are sitting on side of the counter and I know he’s home. Not today, and not for the next several months. My heart shattered. I let out a few tears and hoping it would’ve been my last. I got dressed finally after 45 minutes and I’m back to my usual self! We played around and gave each other silly kisses and playing ball with the dog!
I felt so strong that I knew everything was going to be perfect when he left. The day was finally normal for a little while. It’s 1:00 and he said his goodbyes to our fur babies. Our drive there seemed Normal as if he wasn’t even going anywhere. He was simply going to work and I was just along for the ride. He drops his bags off and we headed for Chic Fil A for lunch, I was surprised I was even hungry. It’s just a normal day. We headed back to his work and I waited for him almost an hour to get his other things.
I was so tired of the anticipation of him leaving, I was ready for the good bye so I didn’t have to wait any longer. I’m strong this time, and I’m going to keep it up. I heard those next words, “okay, this is where I say my final goodbyes” No tears. No sadness. I really must’ve had a lot of practice to be able to do this. He kisses me and he said, “I love you so much!”
” I love you so much” …. I got back in the car and completely lost it.
I knew it was too good to be true. I’m not as strong as I thought, but I held together for him before he left. He didn’t see my tears, my sadness and my ugly cry. I was actually proud of myself keeping it together for as long as I did.
The drive home felt like forever. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back and get him. 45 minutes of straight highway and the pouring down rain kept me from completely losing my cool. I had to pay attention and stay safe no matter how bad I felt. I’m stronger than this and I can do this. I finally pulled into the gate and I couldn’t get out of the car. It didn’t feel right to go in. I walked up to the apartment and I’d never felt so alone. I thought about all the clothes I had to wash of his, and how his smell would fade away. His recliner will remain empty and I have to fill it while he’s away. All the food he bought will only need to be thrown away because it will spoil in those several months.
I never thought this life could only make you think of the small things and how much they really mean to you. I don’t want self pity and someone to tell me they’re sorry for what I’m going through. I do this for him. I stand amongst the “Silent Ranks.” I have no official rank on my chest or put on those combat boots everyday. I don’t spend months on end away from my family. But, I support my husband in everything he’s done and will continue to do. I’m so proud of my husband and everything he’s stood for while defending this country.
“You never get used to it, you just get through it”